June 27, 1973
If you see only what the light reveals and hear only what the sound announces, then you do not see nor do you hear. Kalil Gibran
Thinking back to that summer of 1969 in Cascais, Portugal, I realize that I had reached the limits where I already began to see beyond them. I saw that in the future the clue to understanding would be both inside and outside—in the mind (the consciousness, the unconsciousness)—and in the universe (time, space). I began to see the unity of all life and the relationships of man not only to nature but to all the processes of the universe. What happened in me was a mystery—a destruction in order to be reborn? I am changed—but I also see that I am beyond change. One must be what one is. One must feel and suffer and the body is one’s passage to Inferno—and to Heaven. But beyond it is the Spirit that sees and knows and understands, but does not feel.
I now believe-–what does that mean but an affirmation? Man lives and experiences to negate or affirm. That is his freedom. Up until now my search was in negation—but I see that that is not Truth. With the death of what I was, I cannot say that I am dead, but that I have been granted a different life within the sphere of my former life.
There must be a reason for this.
Either I have failed—I have not transformed that capacity for suffering into helping—or I could not help as long as I was so bound by that suffering. But it is certain that my first chance has been lost forever (within this life). I must move on. I have no choice. And perhaps now I am and will be alone.
February 27, 1974
Henry Adams asked “What is Truth?” and answered Perhaps Truth doesn’t exist—only complexity. But Truth perhaps exists and we are meant to search for it. Today I read about investigations concerning the brain—the differing functions of the right and left sides; on the left: Order, mathematics, Reason; on the right: intuition, art. Are they opposed to each other? Does the function of one distrust the function of the other? Must both exist? Is man developing one at the expense of the other? Is Truth the product of both? Is one more primitive? One more advanced? In order to know something, must we lose the knowledge of something else?
It seems to me that of everyone I have read, Ouspensky is closest to the Truth. One must pass beyond the three obvious dimensions in order to understand. I hope that in this life I can see beyond. From the very beginning I wanted to know. I knew that I must know. God said Ask, and thou shalt receive. Understanding was what I asked for.
November 30, 1978
The beginnings of a diary again—to record those fugitive sparks, those momentary illuminations, those ideas and feelings that come and go, appear and disappear, that create the flickering dimension of my spirit. Where will it all be tomorrow? Only what is left on this page? So many questions??
Reading today about a person in a “somnolent state of mind—in delta brainwaves—‘cured’ by better diet (no sugar), meditation and exercise—brainwaves changes to Alpha, beta, theta. For a long time I have felt in a somnolent state. I don’t feel alive. Was it due to my operation? However, my previous state of being was too intense, too self-destructive. Horrifying, when I look back! But I felt everything more: music, beauty, love. Sometimes I still feel—but not like before. I don’t want to be as I was. I must become better.
Reading about Egypt and Akhenaten—Amenhoteps—again experienced a crowd of memories and impressions pushing at the back of my mind—as if I can almost remember Egypt. Something concerning the Temple of Karnak. Was it another life? Or the expanded mind contains all things past and future.
Where is T? Il est mort. La mystere c’est tres grande maintenant. J’ai eu tant des reves sur Portugal. A revenir je l’ai cherche et les rues ont ete toujours vides. Il n’etait pas plus la-bas. Ou est-il? Toujours il a dit a moi—“Lorrie, la vie se continue”.
Fog most of the day in Berkeley—ma vie c’est seule. Je ne peux pas faire des decisions. I have no friends. I am still asking—what is my role in life? To what and where do I belong?